On With The Show!
ON WITH THE SHOW!
by Doctor Noize
from The Return Of Phineas McBoof
Lenny Long Tail
Pssst! How much time to the show?
Riley The Robot
289 seconds!
Lenny
Whoa!
Riley
Ladies and gentlemen…
Lenny
Oh wait a minute, I’m — I’m not ready…
Riley
Please welcome back to the stage…
Lenny
But I’m not warmed up yet…
Riley
Lenny Long Tail!
Lenny
But I still got okra and catfish down in the…
Uh, uh… Well, all right, if you insist…
Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
Woo-hoo!
Doctor Noize
Pssst! How much time to the show?
Riley
252 seconds!
Dr. Noize
Oh, no!
Riley
Ladies and gentlemen…
Dr. Noize
Hey! No, Riley, I’m not ready yet —
I was just coming out to see when it was…
Riley
The man with the plan…
Dr. Noize
I – Riley, I haven’t finished doing my hair yet…
Riley
Doctor Noize!
Dr. Noize
Who gave me this banjo?
I don’t know how to play this thing!
Lenny
Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
Whoo! Play it!
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-ee-hoo!
The Ooh Gah Boo Gus
Pssst! How much time to the show?
Riley
215 seconds!
Monsters
Whoa!
Gah
Sorry, I’m trying to get onstage…
Riley
Ladies and gentlemen…
Gus
Uh, excuse me…
Ooh
But we’re not ready yet!
Riley
Your monster horn section…
The Ooh Gah Boo Gus
Ah, ah, ah, ah-choo!
Boo
We still have to tune our horns!
Gah
It says in my contract I have time to…
Riley
The Ooh Gah Boo Gus!
Ooh
Come on monsters, whistle and play…
Bottomus The Hip Popotamus
Pssst! How much time to the show?
Riley
Less than three minutes!
Bottomus
Oh
Riley
Ladies and gentlemen…
Bottomus
Yeah, but Baby, I’m still eatin’ my mac ‘n’ cheese, and…
Riley
The man with the round sound…
Bottomus
Yeah, but Baby, I’m still eatin’ my mac ‘n’ cheese, and…
I haven’t finished my corn bread and my twelve watermelons…
Riley
Bottomus The Hip Popotamus!
Bottomus
All right, I’ll save it for dessert, I guess
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo
Lenny
Doo doo?
Bottomus
Doo doo
Lenny
Who do?
Bottomus
You do
Lenny & Bottomus
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo
We do, you do doo doo too
Riley
Eww!
Bottomus
Oh yeah
Lenny
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-hee!
Bottomus
Slap that, baby!
Lenny
Yodel-ay-ee-hoo!
Bottomus
Slap it good
Lenny
Yee-haw!
Bottomus
Oh, thank you
Lenny
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-hee!
Yodel-ay-hee, yodel-ay-ee-hoo!
Backbone
Pssst! How much time to the show?
Riley
Two minutes twenty seconds!
Backbone
Oh!
Riley
Ladies and gentlemen…
Backbone
Oh my! Okay…
Uh, Riley…
Riley
The world’s only eight-armed drummer…
Backbone
Riley, um, I don’t know what…
Uh, should I play a solo?
Riley
Backbone
Oh, me!
Okay, here I go…
Band
Hit it!
Uh-huh!
Hit it!
All right!
Lenny
Are — are we…
Are we still hittin’ it?
Sidney The Beak
The Diva is not prepared to perform!
Bottomus
Hey Baby, you done yet?
Lenny
Is the drum solo over?
The Ooh Gah Boo Gus
Hit it!
José The Ferret
What’s going on here?
Placido Flamingo
When do I start singing?
Luciano Frogerati
Who’s announcing me?
José
Ah! There’s my microphone
Placido
Ha! That is my microphone
Luciano
No, that’s my microphone!
| Placido | José & Luciano |
| Monkey
Monkey Tell me, where’s that monkey? Monkey Monkey Where’d that monkey go? |
Tell me, where is Phineas?
Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where did that there monkey go? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where’d that monkey go? |
Sidney
Where did that monkey go?
| Placido | José & Luciano | Sidney |
| Monkey
Monkey Tell me, where’s that monkey? Monkey Monkey Where’d that monkey go? |
Tell me, where is Phineas?
Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where did that there monkey go? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where’d that monkey go? |
Uh-huh
All right
Oh yeah That’s right Where did that monkey go? |
Riley
Yee-haw!
| Placido | José, Luciano & Band | Sidney |
| Monkey
Monkey Tell me, where’s that monkey? Monkey Monkey Where’d that monkey go?
Monkey Monkey Tell me, where’s that monkey? Monkey Monkey What would Phineas say? |
Tell me, where is Phineas?
Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where did that there monkey go? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where’d that monkey go?
Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where did that there monkey go? Tell me, where is Phineas? Tell me, where is Phineas? What would Phineas say? |
Uh-huh
All right
Oh yeah That’s right Where did that monkey go?
Uh-huh All right
Oh yeah
What would Phineas say? |
I Tre Tenori
Aaaaahhhh!
Band
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where did that there monkey go?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where’d that monkey go?
Sidney
Where did that monkey go?
(Drums kick in — hi-hat and bass drum only)
I Tre Tenori
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
Uh-huh
I Tre Tenori
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
All right
I Tre Tenori
Tell me where did that there monkey go?
I Tre Tenori
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
Oh yeah
I Tre Tenori
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
That’s right
I Tre Tenori
Tell me where’d that monkey go?
Sidney
Where did that monkey go?
(All instruments kick back in — the groove is on… And from this point in the song on, the CROWD claps in rhythm like it’s a hoedown)
I Tre Tenori
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where did that there monkey go?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Tell me where’d that monkey go?
Sidney
Where did that monkey go?
(All characters except Sidney now join in on the vocal harmonies)
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
Uh-huh
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
All right
All
Tell me where did that there monkey go?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
Oh yeah
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
That’s right
All
Tell me where’d that monkey go?
Sidney
Where did that monkey go?
(Music switches now to the chords of the VERSE, but it’s now huge. Vocals continue over top of all instruments)
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
All
Tell me where did that there monkey go?
Tell me where is Phineas?
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
All
Tell me where’d that monkey go?
Sidney
Where did that monkey go?
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
Uh-huh
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
All right
All
Tell me where did that there monkey go?
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
Oh yeah
All
Tell me where is Phineas?
Sidney
That’s right
All
Where did Phineas go?
Placido
I know!…
(Placido holds this note for a RIDICULOUSLY long time…)
(After the note, EVERY single band member comically takes a huge, long breath, and then sings:)
All
He’d say ON WITH THE SHOW!
(Big silly instrumental finish and hit)
Possible alternative or addition:
All Band Members Including Tenors & Sidney
(first we all take a huge, comically exaggerated lead-in breath, as if in response to the note before)
He’d say:
On with the show!
Ta-da! (Note: This last ta-da is on a giant, wild jazz chord or a Major sixth chord on steroids)
Music
Ends with a Major sixth chord on beat four, like the end of “Farewell to Thelonius” (I could even snag the same guitar surf chord from that song…)
(Big racous crowd applause)
Tenors say:
Grazie!
Thank you, thank you very much!
You are right, we were wonderful!
Yes, we were splendid!
Sidney:
That’s right, that’s right, we’re bad!